It's almost May, the overnight temperatures are in the low 30's and we're getting rain mixed with snow. The long, arduous winter has become a chilly, miserable spring. What better time to reminisce on a Cabin Fever Crusher from February?
I had made the decision to retire my most inappropriate impression of a post-stroke Dick Clark after this party. This was not an impression I was proud of, and would rarely perform sober, and was a reaction to the painful awkwardness we were all subjected to every New Year's Eve since his stroke in 2004. I can understand bringing him back the following year to show he is doing well, but allow him to retire to convalesce privately. Kirk Douglas is still doing his thing, but you don't see him shuffling out every Oscars.
At any rate, I did the impression in front of our standard group of friends to start 2014, mostly at the encouraging of my wife. The bad mojo caught her first as she spent her first weekend of the New Year in the hospital with an abscess tooth that caused her cheek and lips to swell to a shocking degree. The fear was the swelling could have gotten into her throat and blocked her airway. I didn't heed the warning.
We arrived at the Crusher at the more reasonable dinner hour, bringing a bag of random beers and partial bottles of alcohol. I took this opportunity to bring my bottle of coffee flavored Patron I was "gifted" at a distributor event in Dallas. We also brought a bottle of Bailey's to make baby Guinnesses - a shot I learned while there. We didn't bring a crock pot of food, but several others did, so we sampled a variety of foods with a variety of drinks.
Once everyone was fully in party mode, we broke out the game Cards Against Humanity. If there is one game you need to get, it's this one. It's essentially "Apples to Apples" for adults, as evidenced by this exchange:
Partygoer: How do you play?
Me: It's like "Apples to Apples" for adults.
Partygoer: What do you mean?
Me: Well, look at this card. It says "jizz" on it. No, wait. It says "jazz."
Me: (squinting) No, I was right the first time. It's "jizz."By far, the best play of the night was when the prompt card read "I've decided to give up *blank* for Lent" and an unlikely source played a card reading "farting and walking away." I went through the motions of reading the other cards, but I had already chosen my winner. The more bawdy cards freed up people to discuss sexual topics, including the difference between The Shocker and The Spocker.
Once the sex talk devolved into awkward silences, someone mercifully suggested we go sledding. Fortunately, there were only a few of us foolhardy enough to go, leaving plenty of next of kin and organ donors. The sledding group piled into one car and headed to a nearby golf course. Once I saw a couple people head down on a toboggan, I decided it was safe enough for me.
I went solo on the red plank of death seen in the photo above and felt I reached speeds that wouldn't have been safe in a school zone. I put my feet out to slow my progress, but hit the first bump that sent a lightening bolt of pain from my coccyx to the top of my head. I started to yell "Ow! That really hurt!" when I hit the second bump at "that." Drunken stories of my exploits later that night had me spitting blood with rivulets running down my face. Unfortunately, tales of my badassery were greatly exaggerated, but the ghost of Dick Clark had struck again.
I pretty much called it quits after my one run. The other sledders were getting ready to leave, so I decided to have one last try on the slope opposite the big hill. This was less steep and with virgin snow. As I started my decent, the one young woman in our group shouted, "keep your tongue in your mouth!" A disappointing statement to hear from a lady, no matter what the context. I just wish I had the wherewithal to retort, "that's NOT what she said."
Back home, we nursed our respective injuries with food and alcohol. "Cards Against Humanity" had been changed to "Scattergories." The game had changed, but not the tone. It was amazing how many people had thought of 'nipples' and 'nuts' when the letter 'N' was drawn. When both my clothes and liver had dried a bit, we decided to head home. I made a quick pit stop before leaving and forgot to zip up, which was quickly pointed out to me. It reminded me of a song:
Everybody have fun tonight;
Captain's wang hung out tonight.
