Polar Vortex II: Vortexalypse Now

Last month was the opener of the firearms deer hunting season. No surprise, I did not participate, as I've found myself lacking when measured against the more rustic of Minnesota citizens. Instead, I took advantage of the relatively warm days of the weekend to prep the yard for winter - i.e. mowing and raking.

Historically, I've loathed raking, even in the postage stamp sized yard we have. We have a large maple tree the dominates the backyard and drops almost a literal shit ton of leaves. Last year, I left piles of leaves around the periphery of the garage with a couple bags worth inside the garage and called it done. The leaves were still frozen to the ground at the end of May when I finally pulled them loose.

I'll have the best manicured dirt patch in all of St. Paul

This year I was determined to do better. The weather was warm, hovering near 40 degrees, and I got an early start to the day. We only had two large brown paper bags from Ace Hardware to fill, so I used an old wicker laundry basket and Ikea bag as extras. When all four totes were full, I loaded the car and took a trip to the local compostery. The first trip was a breeze, but each subsequent one had more and more people dumping their leaves. During my trips, I would listen to "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" on MPR. I felt like I was having a typical Minnesotan Fall day.

That was the most remarkable thing that weekend. There was such a buzz of nervous energy across the neighborhood. As I raked, I could hear several leaf blowers running in various back yards. The weather forecast warned of a cold front moving in and bringing bitter cold and as much as a foot of snow in some areas. After the last winter, I think people were suffering from a certain PTSD about the Polar Vortex (maybe a new syndrome called PVSD). By my fourth trip to the compost site, I had to wait 15 minutes to get in and dump my leaves. Plus, the piles of leaves grew exponentially, leaving limited room for vehicles to negotiate around each other. I thought it best to call it a day and make one or two final trips on Sunday, after the workers had a chance to re-pile the leaves with the front loader.

I shudder to think how much dog poop is in there
Always wear gloves, kids!

Alas, it was not meant to be. The next day, I brought a load and found there was a line of cars the stretched down the road from the entrance and around the corner. I was half tempted to run onto the curb, put on my blinkers, and dump my leaves over the fence surrounding the compost site; but that would lead to anarchy. So, once again, I have a stack of bags in the garage and one pile next to the fence that will have to wait until Spring to be dumped. Still better than last year.

The last hurrah for our patio until Spring

As for the snow, the Twin Cities area was not hit as bad as others, just a few inches. I did what I could to clear the walkways, but the cold had packed the snow into ice. I was just about to start on my driveway when my shovel broke. The next day I went to buy two more at Menard's, but not only were they almost cleared out of shovels, nearly all of their snowblowers were sold out, too. As I said, people have taken this Polar Vortex a lot more seriously. Since getting my new shovels, we've gotten three more snowfalls and its only the first week of December, not even true Winter. Looks like its going to be a tough year.

365 in 365 for 2014: Images 104 through 110

Not much to say about this series of mid-April pictures. The weather was cold and dreary, and I felt weak and weary - of ideas for photos. Minnesota did get some more snowfall during that week, so it was pretty much like all of the other previous weeks. I've decided I should take more business trips during these months, just to have new locales to visit for picture posts. Following is what life was like for a week in April in Minnesota.

No. 104:  04-14-2014

Interesting layer effect of the buildings in downtown Minneapolis.

No. 105:  04-15-2014

If this stairwell was in any other major metropolis, there is no
doubt people would be injured in the bottleneck.  For Minnesota,
it works just fine.

No. 106:  04-16-2014

There was some more snowfall on this day.
Rather than take a picture of the snow, I directed
my ire at this chubby bastard.

No. 107:  04-17-2014

I can see my breath form clouds just by looking at this picture!

No. 108:  04-18-2014

A big hole was left in the Minneapolis skyline when the Metrodome
was deflated.  TCF Stadium will be a perfect temporary home for the
Vikings since no one is used to seeing quality football played there.

No. 109:  04-19-2014

The sister city for Minneapolis is Ibaraki, Japan and
this sculpture of a Dotaku bell was commissioned
by the Japanese city.

No. 120:  04-20-2014

I know the significance of this date, and I used it to get high . . .
by standing at the top of this four story escalator at the
Guthrie Theater.  I was tripping my balls off.

365 in 365 for 2014: Images 097 through 103

If I'm not careful, the weather might just lap me. We've finished the first week of September and already the forecasts are calling for highs in the 50's later this week and overnight temperatures in the 30's. Still warmer than April. September 22nd may be the autumnal equinox, but let's face it, Summer's over.

Not that I'm totally depressed that Fall is almost here. In fact, September and October are my favorite months of the year. I've always had more of a sense of "rebirth" when a new school year started. The weather may be cooler, but pleasant, and you start the month in a new class with a fresh haircut, an updated wardrobe, and a bright eyed hope to the great things you'll accomplish during the year. Then in November, the bottom falls out and you're ready for the holiday break. Once you return, you count the days to Summer like a soldier whose "short" on his tour of duty.

Lucky for me, I've been employed full-time for many years (some of them gainfully) and I mark time differently. It's all about fiscal quarters and fiscal years and September is the end of the next quarter. It also marks my 5th anniversary at my current job. Yeah, September will be a good month; so, here's some pictures from April.

No. 097: 04-07-2014

Once the ice is off the river, boats are ready for cruises.

No. 098:  04-08-2014

An old trolley line converted to a biking and walking path.

No. 099:  04-09-2014

I just liked the way the fire escape went in a diagonal across
the side of the building.

No. 100:  04-10-2014

Anyone else pick up the late 80's remake of 'The Blob' vibe?

No. 101:  04-11-2014

When the ice melts, the river begins to swell.

No. 102:  04-12-2014

The U of M had a couple big fires near campus. This one took out
some student housing.  Fortunately, no one died.

No. 103:  04-13-2014

A blurry evening shot of the Lowry Street bridge.

365 in 365 in 2014: Images 090 through 096

Has anyone else noticed how ugly the months of March and April are?  I don't mean any offense in case anyone has birthdays or anniversaries in those months; but let's face it, there's not a lot of pleasantness to see. If you're lucky enough to be in an area where Spring actually springs, you're still witness to Winter's death throes - gray weather, bare trees, and the crystallized grime of melting snow. However, the Earth still turns and orbits the sun, so you know you're in the home stretch to Memorial Day, when just about everywhere in the northern hemisphere is blissfully warm and bright.  Except maybe Canada.

Now that I've set the tone, here are seven more pictures from earlier this year.

No. 090:  03-31-2014

A remarkably sylvan scene near downtown Minneapolis

No. 091:  04-01-2014

I don't know what this guy's April Fool's Day prank was (far left),
but the police were NOT amused!

No. 092:  04-02-2014

One of several small statuary on the riverside paths in Minneapolis.

No. 093:  04-03-2014

Another day, another snow storm.

No. 094:  04-04-2014

Another four to five inches to shovel.

No. 095:  04-05-2014

Interesting view of the drop in water level at one of the many
locks and dams along the river.

No. 096:  04-06-2014

The North Star Woolen Mill that was in operation until
1949, but has been made into condo lofts.

365 in 365 for 2014: Images 076 through 082

Chris Kuball isn't the only person who can ruin a summer day with reminders of winter. Here is my next series of pictures from back in March.

No. 076:  03-17-2014

There used to be a large building that blocked the view of the
highway.  The view will be blocked again when the St. Paul Saints
have their new ballpark in 2015.

No. 077:  03-18-2014

An old brick building in downtown Minneapolis.

No. 078:  03-19-2014

The new Green Line light rail going through the U of M campus,

No. 079:  03-20-2014

The slowly melting Mississippi River.

No. 080:  03-21-2014

The slowly thawing downtown St. Paul.

No. 081:  03-22-2014

A quick freeze after a thaw creates a skating rink at
the Battle Creek dog park.

No. 082:  03-23-2014

A beacon in Mounds View for the small,
regional St. Paul airport.

365 in 365 for 2014: Images 069 through 075

It seems odd to be posting pictures from back in March, especially having returned from a Summer vacation in Orlando, but that's the price you pay for "postcrastinating."  That's a new term I coined for putting off updating one's blog.

At any rate, a few weeks ago my buddy invited me to hang out around a bonfire at his place with his family.  I was in between business trips to LA and Houston and it was almost a month since we had even spoken to one anther. The Wife joined me, but had to work the next day, so we couldn't get as crazy as we normally would. My buddy and I took a trip to the corner store for a chord of wood and on our return, we ran into one of his neighbors. He was going to be watching playoff hockey in his garage with his wife, which seemed too tempting to pass. After getting the fire started for our better halves and a couple beers, we wondered across the street.

As I may have documented, spring in Minnesota has been as precipitation-filled as the winter.  The evening of the bonfire was a nice break from incessant rain the last couple weeks, but the topic of conversation eventually turned to the horrors of the winter and the God-awful shoveling, plowing, and snow blowing we endured.  THAT'S how bad the winter was - insisting upon itself in the minds of Minnesotans months later.  And like that bitter season, I couldn't wait to escape the verbal summary.

So, in that vein, here are the pictures, truly taken in March; although some of you may think these were taken more recently.

No. 069:  03-10-2014

The frozen Mississippi River under the Fairview Riverside
Hospital, where G-Bug was born

No.070:  03-11-2014

Upriver from Fairview Riverside is the Southwest Steam Plant.

No. 071:  03-12-2014

The Stone Arch Bridge from a vantage point downriver.

No. 072:  03-13-2014

A couple college students on the hunt for Pennywise the Clown.

No. 073:  03-14-2014

Did you know the town of Mounds View near St. Paul is named
for a series of burial mounds on the bluff overlooking the river?
You do now.

No. 074:  03-15-2014

A picture both whimsical and disturbing.

No. 075:  03-16-2014

A gray sky above a grayer river.

"He's One Bad Mother . . ." "Shut Yo' Mouth!" "I'm Just Talkin' 'bout The Ghost of Dick Clark."

It's almost May, the overnight temperatures are in the low 30's and we're getting rain mixed with snow.  The long, arduous winter has become a chilly, miserable spring.  What better time to reminisce on a Cabin Fever Crusher from February?

I had made the decision to retire my most inappropriate impression of a post-stroke Dick Clark after this party.  This was not an impression I was proud of, and would rarely perform sober, and was a reaction to the painful awkwardness we were all subjected to every New Year's Eve since his stroke in 2004.  I can understand bringing him back the following year to show he is doing well, but allow him to retire to convalesce privately. Kirk Douglas is still doing his thing, but you don't see him shuffling out every Oscars.

At any rate, I did the impression in front of our standard group of friends to start 2014, mostly at the encouraging of my wife.  The bad mojo caught her first as she spent her first weekend of the New Year in the hospital with an abscess tooth that caused her cheek and lips to swell to a shocking degree.  The fear was the swelling could have gotten into her throat and blocked her airway.  I didn't heed the warning.

We arrived at the Crusher at the more reasonable dinner hour, bringing a bag of random beers and partial bottles of alcohol.  I took this opportunity to bring my bottle of coffee flavored Patron I was "gifted" at a distributor event in Dallas.  We also brought a bottle of Bailey's to make baby Guinnesses - a shot I learned while there.  We didn't bring a crock pot of food, but several others did, so we sampled a variety of foods with a variety of drinks.

Once everyone was fully in party mode, we broke out the game Cards Against Humanity. If there is one game you need to get, it's this one.  It's essentially "Apples to Apples" for adults, as evidenced by this exchange:

Partygoer:  How do you play? 

Me:  It's like "Apples to Apples" for adults. 

Partygoer:  What do you mean? 

Me:  Well, look at this card.  It says "jizz" on it.  No, wait.  It says "jazz."

Me:  (squinting) No, I was right the first time.  It's "jizz."

By far, the best play of the night was when the prompt card read "I've decided to give up *blank* for Lent" and an unlikely source played a card reading "farting and walking away." I went through the motions of reading the other cards, but I had already chosen my winner. The more bawdy cards freed up people to discuss sexual topics, including the difference between The Shocker and The Spocker.

Once the sex talk devolved into awkward silences, someone mercifully suggested we go sledding.  Fortunately, there were only a few of us foolhardy enough to go, leaving plenty of next of kin and organ donors.  The sledding group piled into one car and headed to a nearby golf course.  Once I saw a couple people head down on a toboggan, I decided it was safe enough for me.

I went solo on the red plank of death seen in the photo above and felt I reached speeds that wouldn't have been safe in a school zone.  I put my feet out to slow my progress, but hit the first bump that sent a lightening bolt of pain from my coccyx to the top of my head.  I started to yell "Ow!  That really hurt!" when I hit the second bump at "that." Drunken stories of my exploits later that night had me spitting blood with rivulets running down my face.  Unfortunately, tales of my badassery were greatly exaggerated, but the ghost of Dick Clark had struck again.

I pretty much called it quits after my one run.  The other sledders were getting ready to leave, so I decided to have one last try on the slope opposite the big hill. This was less steep and with virgin snow.  As I started my decent, the one young woman in our group shouted, "keep your tongue in your mouth!"  A disappointing statement to hear from a lady, no matter what the context.  I just wish I had the wherewithal to retort, "that's NOT what she said."

Back home, we nursed our respective injuries with food and alcohol.  "Cards Against Humanity" had been changed to "Scattergories."  The game had changed, but not the tone. It was amazing how many people had thought of 'nipples' and 'nuts' when the letter 'N' was drawn.  When both my clothes and liver had dried a bit, we decided to head home. I made a quick pit stop before leaving and forgot to zip up, which was quickly pointed out to me.  It reminded me of a song:

Everybody have fun tonight;

Captain's wang hung out tonight.