Las Vegas Day Four (Part 2): May 28, 2011



Rick James once famously said in an interview on the Chappelle Show that “cocaine’s a helluva drug.”  The same could be said for liquid cocaine, the street name of vodka Red Bulls.  The three of us hit the Strip and looked like wild monkeys running a 40-yard dash.  We weaved around clusters of pedestrians and snuck up on each other to jump-smack whatever bald spot was available.  My smacking was as limp-wristed as my punching.  There was one time when I leaped into the air behind Rob to smack his head and from some subconscious recess I thought, “what if that isn’t Rob,” so I misfired.  Then, Rob had jumped on the back of one of us.  I can only assume it was me because I have a hazy recollection of being pitched headlong on the sidewalk, only to regain my balance before serious damage could be done.

All inhibitions were down.  We had spent three days walking around Vegas, intentionally giving the card-flipping smut peddlers the Heisman (I was more polite, actually deigning to give a head shake or a “no” at many offerings), but not that night.  I took a card or booklet from anyone who offered, which set off a chain reaction of others handing me their cards.  I felt like a politician shaking hands with my constituents, eagerly and happily accepting the well wishes from the masses.  Once at the Paris, I had a huge stack of porn star collector cards, which I immediately deposited into the nearest trash bin.  I may have been drunk, but I don’t litter. 

Similar to the Jabbawockeez show, the doors to the Anthony Cools show were already open and people were finding their seats.  I could have used a stop at the bathroom, but we were worried about missing the show and we went right in.  The show started shortly after and Mike immediately volunteered to be hypnotized.  Anthony asked for several volunteers and it soon became obvious why.  Whenever a person showed any signs of not accepting a suggestion, he was escorted off the stage.  Anthony was weeding out those who weren’t as suggestible.  Those who were, especially Mike, put on an entertaining show.

There was one guy named Dave who was told that every time he heard his name, he would get an erection and would want to hide it.  Another guy would feel like his ass was on fire and rub it along the stage to put it out whenever Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’ was played.  Anthony made the suggestion to the group that when he turned around, he would be naked from the waist down and well hung.  When he did turn, everyone had a shocked look on his face and Mike turned to the guy sitting next to him and held his hands about two feet apart with a look of awe on his face.

Las Vegas Day Four (Part 1): May 28th, 2011



We saved the best for last, which worked out well; otherwise we would have spent the rest of our trip recovering.  I don’t think any of us had much of a hangover, but we did sleep into the late morning.  Mike went downstairs and returned with three cups of coffee and a newspaper.  The coffee was just what the doctor ordered.  We eased into our day and took stock of what we still wanted to do while in Las Vegas.  We had tickets to Anthony Cools and wanted to go to Coyote Ugly, which would take care of our evening.  We felt baked from the intense heat of the past couple days, so we weren’t eager to sit by the pool.  The European soccer championship was in the afternoon and since Rob and I had money on the game, we wanted to watch it.  A foam party was scheduled in the Monte Carlo pool area starting at noon and lasting until six, which sounded like a lot of fun.  We had a pretty big window to catch the party and figured we could stop by when we had some free time.  We hadn’t done any souvenir shopping and we were leaving early tomorrow morning, so we decided to do that to get the day going.

We visited the local places, like Gameworks and the M&M store, across the street.  We didn’t walk around for long before I started to feel a little light-headed, probably for not having breakfast after an alcohol-fueled night.  We made our way over to the MGM Grand to visit the shop next to the lion’s cage.  Inside the store, there was a window where people could view a lion cub being fed from a bottle.  There was an older couple with a trainer in the room and I assumed they had paid for the experience.  I also took the opportunity to redeem my $15 ticket I had from video poker on our first night in town.

The soccer game had an early start time for us on the West Coast, and just in time for lunch.  We re-crossed the street to New York, New York and found a place with immediate seating at the Nine Fine Irishmen.  Barcelona was well represented in the bar, but the table we sat was in an area where most people were cheering Manchester United.  We had lunch and Sam Adams while we watched the game.  It became pretty obvious that Man U was out-matched in talent, but the score was tied 1-1 at the half.  I knew if Man U had a chance to win the game, the final score would have to be 2-1.  When Barcelona scored its second goal, my hopes faded.  When Barcelona scored its third goal, they evaporated.  At least I waited until the official end of the game before tearing up my ticket.  Mike paid for lunch and we headed outside.

Las Vegas Day Three: May 27, 2011

We were right back at it the next morning, in spite of a pretty grueling previous day.  My feet were killing me, as I had blisters on my souls and between my toes from walking in flip-flops all day.  Everything we did was fun, but we had packed a lot into a short time.  We were awake pretty early in the morning, but didn’t have quite the same bounce in our steps.  After an expensive Day 2, we became a little more cost conscious and grabbed breakfast at the McDonald’s in the Monte Carlo food court.  Rob and I wanted to place a couple bets, so we went to the Sports Book, while Mike searched for a cheap table.  After our fruitless search on Wednesday night, we learned the best time to play low stakes blackjack was in the mornings, after the hardcore drinkers and gamblers had zombie-shuffled to their rooms.

I was only interested in placing a bet on the European soccer championship between Barcelona and Manchester United on Saturday.  I put $50 on Man U (as in “Man, U made a lousy bet!”) with the potential to win $80.  Rob did the same and put another $50 on the Bruins winning Game 7 against the Lightning that evening.  Once we had our tickets, we went to find Mike.

He was playing at a table essentially by himself.  The min bet was $5, so I cashed in $50.  Rob had placed two $50 bets, so he didn’t feel like risking any more money.  Like the previous night, the action started well.  The dealer was a bit of a cold fish, but Rob started goofing with Mike and getting her involved and she started to warm up.  Mike was on the start of a good heater, but he would never bet higher than the minimum.  Even the dealer suggested he should press his bet, but he refused, politely.  A couple other players joined the table and all of us were winning more than losing.  

The trend didn’t last long and I could see my stack of chips diminishing.  We had played for about a half hour and we still wanted to sit by the pool before the day got away from us.  We cashed out and from my original $50 stake, I came away with $50.50.  That would be my best session of blackjack on the trip.  I suppose I should be grateful that I came out “ahead,” but I could have sat at an unattended table and not played for thirty minutes and had the same result.  There is no satisfaction in a “push.”  Mike did much better and commented, “There’s nothing like winning big to put a spring in your step.”  He then turned to me, patted me on the back, and said, “Something I hope you get to experience some time!”  Thanks, dick.

Las Vegas Day Two: May 26, 2011

I had set the alarm on my phone for 9a so we wouldn’t waste the morning, but we all started stirring at about 8a.  Mike was rolling over and I reminded him I wasn’t his wife before he decided to grab a teat and tell me to roll over.  There were a slew of things we wanted to do and we decided to put together a schedule over breakfast.  We crossed Las Vegas Boulevard (it really doesn’t become “The Strip” until night time) to the Denny’s directly opposite the Monte Carlo.

There was a fair-sized line for a table and Rob agreed to wait for our turn while Mike and I tried to find the movie theatre.  We knew one thing we wanted to do was to see The Hangover Part 2 on its opening day.  This, too, was conveniently across the street from the Monte Carlo, but the entrance wasn’t obvious.  We saw a sign for the theatre, but it was over the entrance to the parking ramp.  We went to the next pedestrian entrance and took the escalator upstairs.  This turned out to be the department store, Ross.  Rather than losing ourselves trying to find the theatre, we immediately turned around and took the escalator downstairs.  We figured we wouldn’t be able to find it before our table was ready, so we cut our losses and went back to Denny’s.  Outside we saw “actors” dressed as Elmo and Bumblebee trying to convince people to pay for pictures with them.

Once at our table, we had plenty of time to plan our day.  In fact, I would say the wait for the food took longer than the wait for the table.  At one point, the waitress said she had put our order “on the slow side.”  Thanks to Rob’s restaurant industry experience, he knew she probably had forgotten to put in our order.  I was fine with the delay, as I would have the chance to tell her I put my wallet “in the other pants.” 

Meanwhile, we planned to hang out by the pool and then take in a matinee showing of Hangover 2.  We would also purchase tickets to a couple of the shows we wanted to see, including Jabbawockeez at the Monte Carlo and one of the many Cirque du Soleil offerings.  I recommended seeing the Crazy Horse Paris show at the MGM Grand (formerly known as Le Femme).  The Wife and I saw this show a few years ago and it was very titillating, emphasis on the “tit.”  We decided to have dinner that night at Bahama Breeze as Rob could get us a discount on the meal; again, thanks to Rob’s influence in the restaurant industry.  We felt a lot better having a plan in place.

After breakfast, we made another effort to find the movie theatre entrance and eventually asked a security guard for help.  If we had walked the other way down the cross street, we would have found it.  We decided to catch the 2:45p matinee and returned to the Monte Carlo.  We visited the concierge to see what tickets we could get for a Cirque du Soleil show.  I was on board for Zumanity, but I think the consensus was for O at the Bellagio.  Regardless, the prices were well above what we wanted to pay, so we chose to get tickets for Jabbawockeez for Friday night.  Since we were guests at the hotel, we received a discount on the tickets.

Las Vegas Day One: May 25, 2011

I didn't heed my own advice from my previous posting about what to plan and to expect in Las Vegas. Rather than pack my clothes in a carry-on, I packed a suitcase.  I'm pretty cheap when it comes to certain things and I usually can't justify spending $25 to check a bag.

However, my recent business trip to Kansas City made me realize the convenience of having one fewer item to bring through security. Plus, our most recent purchase from Melaleuca had a skin care kit that included sun screen. The tube is five ounces and too large for a baggie of toiletries. Rather than trying to squeeze three ounces into a TSA-approved container, I decided to pack a suitcase. This allowed me to bring the body wash, shampoo, toothpaste, and deodorant I purchased as well.

The other piece of advice I didn't follow was using my pocket cash strictly for gambling. I spent the morning before my flight doing a little house cleaning to give The Wife a head start before her mother arrived on Saturday. I didn't eat anything while at home and waited until I was at the airport to buy a small Lunchable and a bottle of green tea.  The total was $6.15 and I broke a ten. For those keeping count (like me), the trip had cost me $31.15. I'm going to try to keep a full accounting of my expenses.

My morning wasn't all about Swiffer, Febreze, and chinchilla poop.  I had reversed engineered my schedule, as is my nature, to calculate when I should leave for the airport.  I usually allow for plenty of cushion because I get seriously stressed about being at the airport in time for my flights. The dogs, Jack and Jill, were itching for another turn in the backyard and I let them out as I gathered my bags.

Once I was sure I had everything, I headed to the garage to put my luggage in the car. As I crossed the driveway, Jill came running from the front yard and my heart sunk. The two of them usually pair up for their antics, so I assumed Jack had also run to the front yard and Jill followed. They are good dogs for the most part, but now that the weather is warmer, they suffer from cabin fever and wanderlust. In truth, I'm surprised Jill came back so quickly. I think she knew they were being bad and she didn't want to upset the Alpha Male. Jack, however, went rogue.
The next 30 minutes were highly stressful. I went around the corner to where a full-size poodle lives, but the dog wasn't outside and I didn't see Jack. I knew I had to leave shortly and all sorts of desperate thoughts crossed my mind. What if Jack was hurt?  Or followed someone home? Or decided to go exploring?  I paraphrased a line from Speed:  you've got 20 minutes before leaving for the airport and your dog is AWOL. What do you do?  What DO you do?

Countdown to Las Vegas



A message to my fellow party-goers:

We have less than a month before our trip to Las Vegas and I wanted to prepare you for what to expect when you get there.  These are my observations based on my experiences, so if there are any high rollers out there who want to put in their two cents, please feel free.

The first thing you need to expect about Las Vegas is it will take your money like a bitter ex-wife.  Think of your wallet as a giant bag of sand.  As soon as you set foot off the plane, imagine punching a hole in the bottom of the bag with a screwdriver.  You can cover the hole with your hand, but the grains will still slip through your fingers.

There will be banks of slot machines at the airport gates.  DO NOT stop to play these machines.  These are last ditch efforts to burn through your remaining cash at the end of your trip.  Rob, you and I will be the ones with time to kill at the airport to use these machines.  Like a soldier who keeps an extra round in the clip to avoid capture, keep a ten dollar bill or two in your sock to spend while we are waiting for our flights.

The main terminal is accessed from the gates by a monorail.  Once there, you will be met with rows of baggage carousels and the dazzle of ads for Vegas shows.  Pause briefly to take it all in and then proceed to your carousel or to a spot by the doors leading to ground transportation.  The documentation from the travel agent stated we should exit from Door No. 10 for our shuttle.  I plan to have a couple pairs of shorts, tees, a pair of jeans, swim trunks, and maybe something “nice” to wear in the evening.  I hope to have just a carry-on and maybe a second bag I can load up with knick-knacks.  We should make sure we all have each other’s cell phone numbers to stay in contact.

Any cash you bring should be used strictly for gambling and maybe for the initial tip to the driver who takes us from the airport to our hotel.  Meals, shows, gifts, and what-have-you should be put on a debit or credit card.  If this sounds like a risky proposition, it is, so don’t be a hero.  Make sure you really want to spend the money.  We may be splitting $5 foot-longs at Subway by Saturday.  Drinks by the pool, and accompanying tips, can be charged to the room.  Tips for drinks we order at the gaming tables can be paid with the chips from our winnings, or leavings, depending on our luck.