Countdown to Las Vegas



A message to my fellow party-goers:

We have less than a month before our trip to Las Vegas and I wanted to prepare you for what to expect when you get there.  These are my observations based on my experiences, so if there are any high rollers out there who want to put in their two cents, please feel free.

The first thing you need to expect about Las Vegas is it will take your money like a bitter ex-wife.  Think of your wallet as a giant bag of sand.  As soon as you set foot off the plane, imagine punching a hole in the bottom of the bag with a screwdriver.  You can cover the hole with your hand, but the grains will still slip through your fingers.

There will be banks of slot machines at the airport gates.  DO NOT stop to play these machines.  These are last ditch efforts to burn through your remaining cash at the end of your trip.  Rob, you and I will be the ones with time to kill at the airport to use these machines.  Like a soldier who keeps an extra round in the clip to avoid capture, keep a ten dollar bill or two in your sock to spend while we are waiting for our flights.

The main terminal is accessed from the gates by a monorail.  Once there, you will be met with rows of baggage carousels and the dazzle of ads for Vegas shows.  Pause briefly to take it all in and then proceed to your carousel or to a spot by the doors leading to ground transportation.  The documentation from the travel agent stated we should exit from Door No. 10 for our shuttle.  I plan to have a couple pairs of shorts, tees, a pair of jeans, swim trunks, and maybe something “nice” to wear in the evening.  I hope to have just a carry-on and maybe a second bag I can load up with knick-knacks.  We should make sure we all have each other’s cell phone numbers to stay in contact.

Any cash you bring should be used strictly for gambling and maybe for the initial tip to the driver who takes us from the airport to our hotel.  Meals, shows, gifts, and what-have-you should be put on a debit or credit card.  If this sounds like a risky proposition, it is, so don’t be a hero.  Make sure you really want to spend the money.  We may be splitting $5 foot-longs at Subway by Saturday.  Drinks by the pool, and accompanying tips, can be charged to the room.  Tips for drinks we order at the gaming tables can be paid with the chips from our winnings, or leavings, depending on our luck.

As it turns out, the EarthCam Web site has a Web cam focused on the Monte Carlo pool (http://www.earthcam.com/usa/nevada/lasvegas/index.php?cam=montecarlo).  Through hours of extensive research, I have determined the peak sun tanning times are from 9:43a to 3:12p.  The hotels are so massive that shadows quickly form as the day progresses, so we need to take advantage of the sun when we can.  This will give us a couple hours to rest up and clean up before heading out again to see all the lights of the Strip.  You will be amazed by the activity at just about all hours and for the most part, people are in good spirits.  You will see quite a few panhandlers and malcontents, but otherwise Vegas really is a Disneyland for adults.

We can all admit we “out-kicked our coverage” when it comes to our wives.  So, any women who engage us in conversation will not think we are Mac Daddies; they probably want something from us – whether it’s payment for services expected to be rendered, free drinks, or gambling subsidies.  It seems hard core bar flies like to get around table minimums by putting an additional chip on your bet rather than place full bets on their own.  Tolerate it for as long as you want, but tell them to gamble with their own damn money.  The best way to prevent getting grifted is to avoid the grifters.

While walking up and down Las Vegas Boulevard, you will be accosted by low grade smut peddlers.  This is not hyperbole.  Entire groups, even families, of people will be flicking, snapping, and popping small cards with pictures of nude women and phone numbers to call.  They will do everything short of shoving these cards into your hand as you walk by.  Within two steps you will see the cards scattered on the sidewalk.  Take a couple home as souvenirs if you want, but the novelty wears off pretty quickly.

Vegas will take a lot out of you emotionally and physically, but you won’t realize it until later.  By the same token, you will be amazed by how much you can put your body through.  Casinos have no windows or clocks, so unless you’re checking your watch, you have no sense of the passage of time.  The thrill of gambling will keep your adrenaline going and the oxygen pumped into the casino will keep you awake.  If you’re worried about staying up all night on Saturday before flying back on Sunday, don’t be.  We will be more at risk of missing our flight due to losing track of time than passing out and waking up late.

When it’s all said and done, you will have spent a lot of money and, most likely, didn’t strike it rich.  You might even start thinking your trip to Vegas was a big waste.  This feeling will last for a couple of days.  Eventually, your impression of Sin City will change.

I’ve been to Vegas half a dozen times and have a great memory or story to tell from each trip.  You will remember those times, singular as they were, where you put down a bet larger than you were comfortable placing, which panned out for you.  You will laugh when recalling the antics of a bachelor party; doing things you would never try, but were glad to witness.  You will be pleased to have seen, in person, the same streets and landmarks you have seen countless times on TV and in movies.   Once these memories start rolling, you can’t wait for the next time you can go.

Viva Las Vegas!