In the spirit of the holiday, I wanted to share a couple stories I wrote as entries to the NYC Midnight writing competition. These were micro-fiction challenges (100 words) with genres appropriate for Halloween. I received high marks for these stories and was able to move on to the next rounds with each. Please read, enjoy, and have a wonderful All Hallows Eve!
When It's Given A Name
Prompts: Genre: Horror Action: Looking at the stars Word: digital
The house is silent, my family’s screams mercifully ended. I peer from the bedroom window, having no place to hide. The night is clear and dotted with stars. I see the brightest three forming Orion’s Belt. I glance at the digital clock nearby. One minute to midnight. The room chills, the air scented with soot and soil, and I feel a presence. No. The Presence. Danny had named it. If only we had believed him.
“Make it quick,” I whisper without turning; my last act of useless defiance.
I close my eyes, feeling the Presence coil behind me.
It strikes.
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
{1751} It's rare to get scent descriptors in writing, but soot and soil is very fitting for the Presence. Although I cannot see it as a reader, I can still smell it. I also loved this "my family’s screams mercifully ended." We don't usually think of such a situation as being merciful, but it means they're no longer suffering. And a good act of defiance gets you extra points. Great job.
{1742} You have an engaging story. I particularly like how you never tell your readers what the Presence truly is, as it helps you create suspense at the end of the narration.
{1955} I love the dialogue; I could feel the fear and resolve in this character as the Presence coils and prepares to strike. I enjoyed the character's actions—eyeing the stars and the digital clock, as though trying to find distraction.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{1751} They may have no place to hide but why doesn't the speaker think they have any where to run? They can get out the window. Yes, the Presence might still get them, but they can try. Or is the 'nowhere to hide' statement more that the speaker doesn't want to live now that their family is dead? If the speaker doesn't want to live, you should leave it as it is, but if they want to run, you could consider a change. However, this is only a suggestion.
{1742} I suggest you describe what the Presence makes your narrator feel. Show us what Danny tried to warn his family about by using feelings and emotions. This could help you add more tension both in your backstory and to this scene.
{1955} Just a minor point, but I wondered who Danny was to this character (a brother?). Consider adding that information. Also, consider going into more detail about what happened to the family to show the reader the scene; did this character hear anything else happening to the family (like limbs being torn apart)?
Family Heirloom
Prompts: Genre: Ghost Story Action: Losing a coin Word: field
A strong, nighttime breeze bends the tall grass in the field, but my father’s spirit hovers steady above one location, his face downcast. A gathering of will-o'-the-wisps spreads out behind him, generations of my ancestors’ souls.
I dig at the spot my father’s spirit indicates. A handful of dirt spills away to reveal a large coin; an ancient doubloon my father had lost even after endless searches. In death, he met the obligation he couldn’t when alive.
My ancestors can rest in peace, knowing the family heirloom, a treasure and a curse, is possessed by the living again.
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
{1772} The story offers a chilling scene crafted with vivid description and powerful word choice. The narrator has a clear goal to shape his actions. The end provides a satisfying conclusion to the narrator's task.
{2092} The visuals are great. They add a lot of depth to the emotional aspect of the story, as this becomes more than just a story of a missing coin.
{1940} A fascinating and haunting piece with terrific use of tone and language. The ending is intriguing as it is revealed the doubloon is a curse as well as a blessing, making readers fear for the protagonist.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{1772} There is not much conflict within the story, which could help to make the end feel earned and offer some character development. If a small obstacle has to be overcome, then the narrator will also feel more in control of the plot. For example, if he has some reason not to help his father, this could be a point for him to have to make a choice.
{2092} The plot is a bit confusing, as it is difficult to tell if the father had lost the coin, or if he was searching for an old family treasure. Consider clarifying this a bit more, in order to more satisfyingly end the search with the daughter.
{1940} A strong piece but could be improved by including why the doubloon is a blessing and a curse. What has happened before to attach such extremes to this coin?
