Countdown to Las Vegas



A message to my fellow party-goers:

We have less than a month before our trip to Las Vegas and I wanted to prepare you for what to expect when you get there.  These are my observations based on my experiences, so if there are any high rollers out there who want to put in their two cents, please feel free.

The first thing you need to expect about Las Vegas is it will take your money like a bitter ex-wife.  Think of your wallet as a giant bag of sand.  As soon as you set foot off the plane, imagine punching a hole in the bottom of the bag with a screwdriver.  You can cover the hole with your hand, but the grains will still slip through your fingers.

There will be banks of slot machines at the airport gates.  DO NOT stop to play these machines.  These are last ditch efforts to burn through your remaining cash at the end of your trip.  Rob, you and I will be the ones with time to kill at the airport to use these machines.  Like a soldier who keeps an extra round in the clip to avoid capture, keep a ten dollar bill or two in your sock to spend while we are waiting for our flights.

The main terminal is accessed from the gates by a monorail.  Once there, you will be met with rows of baggage carousels and the dazzle of ads for Vegas shows.  Pause briefly to take it all in and then proceed to your carousel or to a spot by the doors leading to ground transportation.  The documentation from the travel agent stated we should exit from Door No. 10 for our shuttle.  I plan to have a couple pairs of shorts, tees, a pair of jeans, swim trunks, and maybe something “nice” to wear in the evening.  I hope to have just a carry-on and maybe a second bag I can load up with knick-knacks.  We should make sure we all have each other’s cell phone numbers to stay in contact.

Any cash you bring should be used strictly for gambling and maybe for the initial tip to the driver who takes us from the airport to our hotel.  Meals, shows, gifts, and what-have-you should be put on a debit or credit card.  If this sounds like a risky proposition, it is, so don’t be a hero.  Make sure you really want to spend the money.  We may be splitting $5 foot-longs at Subway by Saturday.  Drinks by the pool, and accompanying tips, can be charged to the room.  Tips for drinks we order at the gaming tables can be paid with the chips from our winnings, or leavings, depending on our luck.

Real Men of Genius

Do you remember those Bud Light commercials featuring “Real Men of Genius?”  If not, they were pretty funny and I had a recent experience which made me think of those commercials  (http://budlight.whipnet.com/).

Voiceover (singing):  Real Men of Genius!

Announcer:  Today we celebrate you, Mr. Change a Flat Tire on your Wife’s Car without Reading the Directions.

Voiceover (singing):  Mr. Change a Flat Tire on your Wife’s Car without Reading the Directions!

Announcer:  When others chose to set the parking brake and block the back tire, you ask “why bother?”

Voiceover (singing):  Safety precautions are for suckers.

Announcer:  You eagerly begin the task at hand, carelessly disregarding the fact you placed the jack on a patch of sand on the concrete floor, figuring if the car starts to fall, you will have plenty of warning beforehand.

Voiceover:  Watch out!

Announcer:  And when it does, nearly taking a chunk out of your garage floor, you use the jack from your car in an innovative approach to lift the front end on the opposite side, only to succeed in lifting the back tire on the same side.

Voiceover (singing):  Didn’t learn the basics of Physics.

Announcer:  Never a quitter, you use the two jacks on the same side of the car with the flat tire and finally get the spare mounted.   What should have taken you twenty minutes to do, took nearly ninety.  Way to go!

Voiceover (singing):  What a colossal waste of time!

Announcer:  Go ahead, have a Bud Light.  Afterwards, there’s a chore in the house that requires you to be on a step ladder.  We’ll wait.

Voiceover (singing):  Mr. Change a Flat Tire on your Wife’s Car without Reading the Directions.

Welcome aboard!

This is the first, and will probably be the least read, entry of my new blog.  I imagine some friends will read this post (and I appreciate your support), but when the Novel Ideas blog really makes a splash in two years, and I sell the movie rights in five years, a la “Julie and Julia,” a very small percentage of my followers will have read the first entry.  So be it.

I’ve considered starting a blog many times, but looking back at the number of attempts I’ve started and stopped keeping a journal, I didn’t think I would stay with it enough to make it worthwhile.  Only time will tell if I actually stay current with this effort.  What really pushed me to try, though, was the 365 Pictures in 365 Days album I created on Facebook.  I haven’t been diligent in taking a picture on each of the 100 plus days that have passed so far this year, but I have taken enough pictures to have “place holders” on the days I didn’t.  With each picture I’ve made a comment explaining the scene.  At times, the comments are generic descriptors, but other times, they have been quite funny – both to my and The Wife’s (when this blog blows up, I want to keep her anonymity) sensibilities. 

I thought, perhaps a blog would be a great way to keep my comedic chops honed as I tried to work on other writing projects – some of which might not be so funny.  The Wife thinks I have a wonderful sense of humor and should incorporate it more in my writing, but finding the time to write anything has been hard for me.  The truth is, I can probably find the time, but I need to find the dedication.  My hope is the occasional funny, clever, snide, or self-deprecating take on a random topic will keep me focused on writing – my one true vocational passion.

I don’t know what this blog will become, but if my previous writing experience is any indication, there will be some things that will make you laugh, some saucy language, and a pretty good dose of postings of me venting, or venting entries, or “ventries©.”  Before anyone gets any ideas, I‘ve already copyrighted the term!  So, with modest fanfare, here is the kick-off to Captain Greybeard’s Novel Ideas.  Thank you for your patronage!