A Tribute to "Papa Jer" Tomlinson

Jer was smiling down on us.

This post was a long time coming, but I allowed myself to be distracted by business and family trips.  I wanted to write a tribute before continuing with the blog.

On Tuesday, May 10, , our family received some very sad news.  G-Bug’s step-grandfather, Papa Jer, succumbed to an arduous, but ultimately too short, battle with cancer.  He passed away peacefully at his home, surrounded by his wife, Nana; G-Bug and her mom, and his eldest son.  He was able to beat the two month prognosis he received in March, to celebrate another birthday, and had his full mental faculties.  It must have been hard for him to know his physical capabilities were slowly fading away, but his family took some solace in being able to engage with him like before.  He died as he lived, as Papa Jer.

I first met Papa Jer when I was living in Boston with G-Bug’s mom, Amy, almost 20 years ago.  They were coming up the stairs in our apartment building and after I said ‘hello’ to Nana, Jer piped in with “Is this (David)?”  I’m not sure if he actually called me David, but he definitely called me by another name.  I thought he was trying to get a rise out of me, but wouldn’t take the bait and said, “Yes, I’m David.”  It was only when Nana corrected him did I realize he really didn’t know what my name was.

During that same trip the four of us had lunch at a local bistro and were walking back to the apartment afterwards.  We had just crossed CommAve when someone had called out to us.  We turned to see a cab driver had stopped and was pointing out the window toward the front of the car.  Both Amy and I started to tell the driver what the next street was if he was to go straight across CommAve.  The cab driver shook his head and pointed more emphatically toward the street in front of him.  One of the womenfolk had dropped her glove.  Sheepishly, I hurried to collect it.  As we continued our walk home, I was feeling a little silly and stayed mum for a few steps.  Jer, either to break the tension or because of his natural curiosity, stated, “I was wondering where you were trying to direct him.”  I’m pretty sure he had a glint in his eye and a smirk on his lips, and we both had a laugh at the faux pas.

My Mood Matches the Weather

Medicine Lake near my work

I had mentioned in my first blog post that I would have many “ventries,” which are venting entries.  These will be opportunities for me to complain about some slight of the day or an ongoing issue that has stuck in my craw.  Well, this will be my first ventry – and it’s a twofer.

First of all, I'm sick and tired of the crappy weather we've been having in Minnesota.  We've had about 43 days of spring and I think we had two days when the temperature APPROACHED 70 degrees.  Didn’t reach it, but approached it.  Now, those days were very nice and really put a bounce in my step.  Afterwards, however, the rug gets pulled out and I’m staring at a swirl of snowflakes a day or two later.  I mean, at noon today it was 36 degrees outside.  THIRTY-SIX DEGREES!  ON MAY SECOND!  I really believe the weather has affected my health as I have had the flu for the first time in years and my patience has worn razor thin.

The second part of my ventry is toward the woman who rode my ass on the way to work this morning.  I have a near phobia about being rear-ended while driving.  I feel I have control of the action in front and around me when I drive, but I can’t control how people drive behind me, so I get very angry when someone is on my back bumper.

Anyway, some woman in a blue Ford Escape decided to draft me this morning as we took the curve off of I-94 onto I-394.  I looked in my side view mirror and could tell she had a bagel with vegetable cream cheese for breakfast because I saw a smear on her upper lip.  I was annoyed at first, but didn’t respond as she just changed lanes behind me and I figured I would give her some time to adjust her speed.  Instead of backing off, she got closer.  Once we came out of the turn toward a relative straight portion of the ramp, I started pumping my brakes to warn her to back off.  She didn’t take the hint.

We get on the short stretch of I-394 where two on-ramps join with the road, one to the right and then one to the left.  Once clear of the concrete barriers, the woman crosses the double white line to get over to the left lane to pass me.  This is when I exhibit a little misogyny.  Rather than flip her the bird, as I’m wont to do with other drivers, I decide to give her the shocker.  For those of you who don’t know this gesture, here is a link to the Urban Dictionary.  I was pissed and I wanted to flash the most offensive signal I could.

On the plus side, she didn’t find any polyps. 

Countdown to Las Vegas



A message to my fellow party-goers:

We have less than a month before our trip to Las Vegas and I wanted to prepare you for what to expect when you get there.  These are my observations based on my experiences, so if there are any high rollers out there who want to put in their two cents, please feel free.

The first thing you need to expect about Las Vegas is it will take your money like a bitter ex-wife.  Think of your wallet as a giant bag of sand.  As soon as you set foot off the plane, imagine punching a hole in the bottom of the bag with a screwdriver.  You can cover the hole with your hand, but the grains will still slip through your fingers.

There will be banks of slot machines at the airport gates.  DO NOT stop to play these machines.  These are last ditch efforts to burn through your remaining cash at the end of your trip.  Rob, you and I will be the ones with time to kill at the airport to use these machines.  Like a soldier who keeps an extra round in the clip to avoid capture, keep a ten dollar bill or two in your sock to spend while we are waiting for our flights.

The main terminal is accessed from the gates by a monorail.  Once there, you will be met with rows of baggage carousels and the dazzle of ads for Vegas shows.  Pause briefly to take it all in and then proceed to your carousel or to a spot by the doors leading to ground transportation.  The documentation from the travel agent stated we should exit from Door No. 10 for our shuttle.  I plan to have a couple pairs of shorts, tees, a pair of jeans, swim trunks, and maybe something “nice” to wear in the evening.  I hope to have just a carry-on and maybe a second bag I can load up with knick-knacks.  We should make sure we all have each other’s cell phone numbers to stay in contact.

Any cash you bring should be used strictly for gambling and maybe for the initial tip to the driver who takes us from the airport to our hotel.  Meals, shows, gifts, and what-have-you should be put on a debit or credit card.  If this sounds like a risky proposition, it is, so don’t be a hero.  Make sure you really want to spend the money.  We may be splitting $5 foot-longs at Subway by Saturday.  Drinks by the pool, and accompanying tips, can be charged to the room.  Tips for drinks we order at the gaming tables can be paid with the chips from our winnings, or leavings, depending on our luck.

Real Men of Genius

Do you remember those Bud Light commercials featuring “Real Men of Genius?”  If not, they were pretty funny and I had a recent experience which made me think of those commercials  (http://budlight.whipnet.com/).

Voiceover (singing):  Real Men of Genius!

Announcer:  Today we celebrate you, Mr. Change a Flat Tire on your Wife’s Car without Reading the Directions.

Voiceover (singing):  Mr. Change a Flat Tire on your Wife’s Car without Reading the Directions!

Announcer:  When others chose to set the parking brake and block the back tire, you ask “why bother?”

Voiceover (singing):  Safety precautions are for suckers.

Announcer:  You eagerly begin the task at hand, carelessly disregarding the fact you placed the jack on a patch of sand on the concrete floor, figuring if the car starts to fall, you will have plenty of warning beforehand.

Voiceover:  Watch out!

Announcer:  And when it does, nearly taking a chunk out of your garage floor, you use the jack from your car in an innovative approach to lift the front end on the opposite side, only to succeed in lifting the back tire on the same side.

Voiceover (singing):  Didn’t learn the basics of Physics.

Announcer:  Never a quitter, you use the two jacks on the same side of the car with the flat tire and finally get the spare mounted.   What should have taken you twenty minutes to do, took nearly ninety.  Way to go!

Voiceover (singing):  What a colossal waste of time!

Announcer:  Go ahead, have a Bud Light.  Afterwards, there’s a chore in the house that requires you to be on a step ladder.  We’ll wait.

Voiceover (singing):  Mr. Change a Flat Tire on your Wife’s Car without Reading the Directions.

Welcome aboard!

This is the first, and will probably be the least read, entry of my new blog.  I imagine some friends will read this post (and I appreciate your support), but when the Novel Ideas blog really makes a splash in two years, and I sell the movie rights in five years, a la “Julie and Julia,” a very small percentage of my followers will have read the first entry.  So be it.

I’ve considered starting a blog many times, but looking back at the number of attempts I’ve started and stopped keeping a journal, I didn’t think I would stay with it enough to make it worthwhile.  Only time will tell if I actually stay current with this effort.  What really pushed me to try, though, was the 365 Pictures in 365 Days album I created on Facebook.  I haven’t been diligent in taking a picture on each of the 100 plus days that have passed so far this year, but I have taken enough pictures to have “place holders” on the days I didn’t.  With each picture I’ve made a comment explaining the scene.  At times, the comments are generic descriptors, but other times, they have been quite funny – both to my and The Wife’s (when this blog blows up, I want to keep her anonymity) sensibilities. 

I thought, perhaps a blog would be a great way to keep my comedic chops honed as I tried to work on other writing projects – some of which might not be so funny.  The Wife thinks I have a wonderful sense of humor and should incorporate it more in my writing, but finding the time to write anything has been hard for me.  The truth is, I can probably find the time, but I need to find the dedication.  My hope is the occasional funny, clever, snide, or self-deprecating take on a random topic will keep me focused on writing – my one true vocational passion.

I don’t know what this blog will become, but if my previous writing experience is any indication, there will be some things that will make you laugh, some saucy language, and a pretty good dose of postings of me venting, or venting entries, or “ventries©.”  Before anyone gets any ideas, I‘ve already copyrighted the term!  So, with modest fanfare, here is the kick-off to Captain Greybeard’s Novel Ideas.  Thank you for your patronage!