The one and only job I had in downtown Minneapolis was with
a small, start-up company located on the 21st floor of the Rand
Tower. The company attempted to offer
marketing services to a select group of attorneys, located in Minnesota,
Illinois, and Florida. Mostly, it
collected fees from attorneys to make Quick Reference Guides and other books
that were distributed few and far between.
Essentially, it was a cash hole that only stayed afloat by what the
employees assumed were the owner’s possession of compromising photos of his
bank roller. I was jettisoned about two
months prior to the whole company going under.
Lucky me.
The beginning of the end was when the owner hired a former
(and possibly disgraced) Northwest Airlines executive who was charged with
improving the efficiencies of the company.
The first step was reducing the floor space the company was using and
subleasing the rest. The remaining
portion was refurbished and the executive was able to get his corner office by
displaying three employees. The standard
cost-cutting move of reducing headcount soon followed. I was not one of the first to get cut and was
able to stay nearly a whole year after the changes.
A clever clutch of us, although not so clever as to find
other employment when the writing was on the wall, found an enjoyable way to
pass the time when not busy at work. We
nicknamed the executive “The Pelican” for reasons I’m not quite sure of;
although it might have been because of a painting in his office. Anyway, the Pelican had a tendency to use and
reuse odd phrases during business meetings and casual conversations. We decided to collect a list of “Pelicanisms,”
several of which are listed after the jump.
- Date when the gun goes off and (person) is on the starting line
- Anyone see any landmines?
- Surveys in the break room? Sounds like Hootie and the Blowfish
- Is this the first Son-of-Sam Quarg (Quick Reference Guide)?
- It’s a free lunch
- There’s no such thing as a free lunch
- Some kind of smoke puff from the magic genie
- Rubber chicken circuit
- Like Peggy Lee says, “Is that all there is?”
- This cranks!
- We’ll fall off that bridge when we come to it
- Pleased as punch
- They’re a bunch of shills!
- We have to walk before we run
- Let’s open up our trench coats and show them what we’ve got
- Let’s milk this cash cow
- Hey, doctor!
- Is he a deadbeat dad?
- If you could consummate the marriage, I’d appreciate it
- As Billy Graham says, “It is the hour/day of decision."
- We’re going to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with (person)
- Dead as Clancy’s nuts
- Sales suck!!
- We’ll put on our gumshoe shoes and Columbo coat and get back to you
- This is the normal birthing process
- I felt like saying, “should I send over a bucket of soup?”
- Get a coffee enema
- Four minute meeting/powwow?
- Everything’s coming up roses! (sung in mock Ethyl Merman voice)
- Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
- Come in with bird shit in their eyes
- We stepped on our dicks
- The (town name) swells
- Separate the wheat from the chaff
Years later I reconnected with
one of my former co-workers and we stayed in contact through email. In between relating our tales of woe, we
revisited the Pelicanisms and thought it would be great to create a musical
based on our experience at the office; sort of a “Glengarry Glen Ross” meets
“Annie.” We bounced ideas off each other
until I came up with the first song, adapted from “Three Little Maids from
School are We,” from the Mikado by
Gilbert & Sullivan, because I’m cultured and shit.
Three clichés
from a fool heard we,
Often used ad
naseaumly,
Which
co-workers deride with glee,
Three clichés
from a fool!
“There’s no
such thing as a free lunch.” (Laughs)
“I have to
say, I’m pleased as punch.” (Laughs)
“Speaking of
shills, they are a bunch.” (Laughs)
Three clichés
from a fool!
Three clichés
of which we tire,
Found escape
from a verbal mire,
Once
conversation’s turning dire-
Three clichés
from a fool!
Three clichés
from a fool!
One cliché is
tired and dumb –
Two clichés can
drive you numb –
Three clichés,
but more to come.
Three clichés
from a fool!
Three clichés
from a fool!
From three clichés,
take one away.
Two clichés remain
blasé –
Why don’t they
all just go away?
Three clichés
from a fool!
Three clichés
from a fool!
Three clichés
of which we tire,
Found escape
from a verbal mire,
Once
conversation’s turning dire –
Three clichés
from a fool!
Three clichés
from a fool!
Fast forward fifteen years, and I find myself about
ten miles from downtown Minneapolis in a cube farm for more than 40 hours a
week, when I’m not on the road. The jobs,
companies, and industries are different, but there is something familiar about
my boss:
- And oh, by the way . .
.
- So, yeah, I get it . .
.
- Get wrapped around the axle
- Back when I carried a
bag
- Pitter patter, let’s
get at’er
- Go lay down by your
dish
- Go sell something
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